Non-Fiction

Serious Creme Egg Review and Analysis

Nothing like this gross nonsense exists in nature.

Around eight o’clock after a day of college, I wandered along with a group heading to Smokey’s CafĂ© on campus. We all got hot chocolates and one of them picked up a Creme Egg.

I laughed a little. “I wish I could too but I’m off the things for Lent.”

“Why would you give up Creme Eggs for Lent?” a friend asked me. “Lent is pretty much the only time you can get Creme Eggs.”

I didn’t have an answer to that.

A lot of people don’t like Creme Eggs. The white-and-orange sugary goop inside of them, a peculiar concoction called inverted sugar syrup, is divisive. Obviously, this is in part because it’s even sweeter than the average Cadbury product but it’s also, I think, because of its artificiality.

Creme Eggs may take Easter eggs as their superficial real-world analogue but there’s no clear analogue for what the things taste like. Maybe they taste like the rainbow you can make when you poke at old computer monitors.

We’re in a period of history where humans have vastly impacted the planet’s biodiversity. Creme Eggs remind me of this because they’re an entirely artificial invention. Nothing like this gross nonsense exists in nature. This was made by us and for us.

Creme Eggs could never have come to exist without the global rise of industrialisation. They were created by the same system that, according to Crash Course, ended up to 1,000 species of plants and animals. As corporations go, Cadbury isn’t the worst; it operates with the Cocoa Life scheme to ensure its workers are paid a fair wage where other chocolate manufacturers like Hershey’s rely on slave labour.

But, Cadbury’s eggs are intertwined with the ludicrous state of the modern world. Take social media as an example; the rage cycle has somehow targeted novelty chocolates. Right-wing types are furious that the word ‘Easter’ has been removed from the packaging even though Cadbury have very much not done that. Spare a thought for the hapless social media team who had to explain this over and over.

The story goes that the imaginary removal of the word ‘Easter’ happened because the Muslim Illuminati did it. Cadbury is allegedly putting itself in line with halal, the Islamic code of what can and cannot be consumed. As a result, British nationalists have boycotted and Cadbury sales have dropped by millions (citation extremely needed). Cadbury had to release a statement saying that it just happens to be halal-friendly by accident in the same way that water is; understand that halal mainly just prohibits pork. Cadbury denied receiving any Halal Certificate.

Of course, all of this is immaterial unless you want your chocolate to contain pig meat. It could contain human flesh and I’d still struggle to give them up.

In Smokey’s, my friend was unimpressed. “I don’t like those things anyway.”

“Oh yeah, they’re disgusting,” I said. “I love them.”

Creme Eggs are characteristic of where we’re at as a species. Creme Eggs are entirely artificial, kind of gross, and I cut them off entirely because I was eating two a day. In a way, I’m disgusted by them. This isn’t the egg’s fault. Still, I can only give it three stars.

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